I'll admit - it was really hard for me to accept the fact that I was struggling. It was even harder to come to terms with the thing I was struggling with: depression. Also, along with that depression came anxiety. These two things may not mean much to you, but to a person who suffers with them, they are their whole life. Or what seems like it.
A lot of people perceive depression as just a deep melancholy. Something easily gotten over if you give them time. But that's not the case. For those of you who think that it's not actually a mental illness, let me take you into the mind of someone who suffers from it.
I say suffer, because it's torture. Some people believe that those who suffer with depression want to be sad, but that's most certainly not the case. It's that we can't be happy. We try. We try really hard sometimes, but it doesn't work out in our favour.
Depression is a constant feeling of sadness, anxiety, and emptiness. It's more than just the kind of "hey, you'll get over it" sadness. It's a sadness that tortures us because more than half the time, we don't know where the sadness stems from. We don't understand why we're sad sometimes. It just happens. So, here's my personal experiences with depression.
Four years ago was when I knew my depression hit its peak. Back then, I didn't really realize I had depression. I hadn't heard a lot about it. I thought I was just unnaturally sad a lot; I felt I was a sad kind of person. I wasn't always sad, though. I still had happy times; I smiled and laughed a lot. But I still felt this emptiness. It didn't go away. During that time, I experienced some trauma. Because of this, my depression got worse - so bad, that I had resorted to cutting. It wasn't the kind of "I want to be popular with the emo-type kids" cutting. It was the kind that was "Physical pain is easier to manage than emotional pain, and it gets my mind off of my emotions".
Soon after, I started drowning myself in music, art, and books. It helped a little, until I started having suicidal thoughts. I had one friend that I met that helped me through that, and made me realize how much I was worth. I continued to turn to my friends for support, and losing myself in my art and music. Music spoke to me so well, and it still does. It breathes the words I am at a loss for and speaks for my soul when I'm lost. That's what helped quell the depression then: support, and finding something I'm passionate about.
But sometimes depression doesn't go away completely. It comes back. This past year has been rough for me. For those who haven't gone through depression, here's what it's like. For me, anyway.
I can't sleep at night, no matter how much I try. My thoughts come around to haunt me and it's so hard to stop thinking of them. I know people who sleep too much because of their depression. It's different with every person. I can't concentrate on easy tasks - tasks as simple as writing something down or remembering to make a pizza at work or whatever, are extremely difficult tasks sometimes. Another thing - I can't remember much sometimes. Some days, I forget what happened just the day before. It's hard to remember small things unless written down.
No matter how hard I try, it seems impossible to control my negative thoughts. Or thoughts period. I feel hopeless and helpless sometimes. Not as often, but it happens. It frustrates me sometimes. I have a very low appetite sometimes. So much that I'm picked on for eating like a bird, even though it's true. About a month or two ago, I went from 115 lbs to 99. I'm still trying to gain the weight back. I also get more irritable. That's the hardest thing for me to control. I snap at people without meaning to, and I get easily annoyed by the smallest things. Even something as ridiculous as a song repeating the same line about ten times.
With depression, this time came anxiety. Namely, anxiety and panic attacks. Now, let me tell you how anxiety feels, for me. It feels like I can't breathe; my heart rate feels like it's speeding up, but half the time it stays normal. Other times, if I panic too much, it elevates slightly. Anxiety feels as if I'm waiting for something, but I have no idea what I'm waiting for. I feel dizzy, nauseous, and completely unfocused. If someone were to ask me to do something or remember something during an anxiety attack, it would be forgotten as soon as it was said. Along with all that, I'm completely shaky and unable to sit still, and my palms sweat a bit (or my hands turn to ice - it's usually one of the two) when I'm anxious. My thoughts during an attack remain uncontrollable, which makes it really hard to sleep when I have an attack at night.
That's another thing: anxiety and panic attacks aren't convenient most of the time. I have them often at work. I begin to feel nauseous and dizzy and a feeling of panic and fear overwhelms me. From what? Sometimes random little things, and sometimes I have no idea. I also get a minor rash - mainly a few little bumps on my arms - when I'm anxious. It's not contagious. Just triggered by anxiety. Also, I think.... a lot. And I think some more. I over think. And it gets exhausting. You know how normal people are exhausted physically by their work? That's me, but mentally instead.
Now, onto the things that annoy me, as someone struggling with anxiety and depression:
The phrase "calm down". You'll never know how hard it is to calm down during an anxiety/panic attack until you've experienced one.
The phrase "don't be afraid". You know how fear is for normal people? Multiply that. By like, twenty. That's the fear level for a person with anxiety. To a person who suffers with anxiety, small fears are amplified. For example, I have a fear of heights. And anxiety. You will never know how truly terrifying it is to get on a ride that goes up higher than my comfort level, and how sickening the sensation of a roller coaster descending is. There isn't a "it's going to be okay" mentality in me. It's just fear.
The thought that stress and anxiety are the same. Stress is more of a contagious emotion. Anxiety is something mental, usually stemmed from a mental illness.
People who get enjoyment or a joke out of it. I have arachnophobia and coulrophobia, as well as acrophobia. That's the fear of spiders, clowns, and heights, respectively. I cannot stand when shown a picture of a spider, or of a clown, and people laugh when I freak out. I also cannot stand feeling like I'm pressured to get on a ride that goes high in the air and freaking out, and someone getting a laugh out of it.
Though I still suffer with these things, I do try to find ways to get over them. I have people I can talk to, and I have friends who support me. My boyfriend has been more supportive than I ever could have asked for. I have come up with a summer plan to help my depression and anxiety get better. By eating healthier (and including Omega-3 rich foods), getting more exercise, working more, and surrounding myself with more supportive people, I'll be able to take steps to work through my depression. I'm also working to change my outlook from pessimistic to optimistic, and doing away with negative thoughts. My friends and family will be here to support me along the way, and I thank all of them for being here.
For anyone suffering with depression, a great support group is TWLOHA: To Write Love On Her Arms. It can be found here. They are also active on FaceBook, as found here. I'm also always willing to be of some support to anyone. It will always be anonymous (if wished) and completely confidential. Thanks to all for listening (or reading...) and I shall return soon with another post!
~이하늘
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